Getting things done seems to be a never ending struggle. Just when I think I am about there, I am nowhere near that proposed finish line.

I can't stop myself from thinking about how much I miss certain people, and there is nothing I can do about it. There is nothing I can do about thinking or actually doing something about the predicament.
I had the pleasure of standing outside Uncle Pleasents Sunday night after The Fresh Air tour and meeting Brother Ali himself. I knew there was something about him I loved, I just never fully understood. Now I do. He is probably the kindest human being I have ever met. A beautiful man. I have not encountered many beautiful people lately and it's starting to pull me apart.
I miss surrounding myself with people who actually cared. I miss spending time with those who were like me. I can't seem to find where they all went. People change, time moves on and I am stuck where I was a year ago but no one seems to notice. I've gone back to my non-drinking days, but there is the never ceasing urge to smoke. I desperately want to get blazed and never come out of that haze of weed and menthol cigarettes. It's not going to happen, but I'll put it at the end of my get-shit-done list that is ever growing.

What a ridiculous journal entry.

It is currently 10:30. I have a business test at noon tomorrow and I am not ready. I just returned from my adventure to the gas station to get some red-bulls in preparation for the long fuckin' night ahead of me, but I'm regretting that. Everytime I blink I feel as though my eyes are not going to open and I will have passed out on top of a pile of books, binders, papers, pens, a computer and my phone. I'm ready to call it a night, but after failing my french test earlier today I am determined to not fail anymore classes.
I'm only two chapters deep into the 5 chapters, but there is so much left to do!

I'd rather be out with my friends, or watching TV or anything else.
I'd really like to find the motivation.

Too bad futurama is on.

Fuck.
So this is what stalling is like.
It's pretty nice.

I don't see what so goddamn hard about this. I know enough to be able to do it, but it's just not in me. I have tutoring to get me on track again, but there really is no fucking hope. I honestly cannot just write shitty electronic music on demand. I have no want or need to do it.
I came home today from school ready to get this crap done, but once I sit down at home and try to make a simple fucking beat I can't. I honestly can't fucking do it. I don't know if it's the annimocity I have for this shit or just the lack of motivation.
Either way it's bullshit.

I quit.
Again.

My problems are petty.


I have made a list of things I would want my life to consist of if working hard, motivation and giving a crap had nothing to do with it.
It's a magnificent list.

Toaster died.

Contemplating that tattoo.

Started putting away clothes, haven't gotten very far on unpacking. I don't care.

I want to spend today with someone other than a family member.
I want to get absolutely trashed.


I had her for about 5 years. I joked about her never dying, but I guess jokes are wrong. It's going to feel so empty without her here. Having Toaster to come home to for the past 5 years has been taken for granted, but I can feel the difference in the room. I don't know what I'm going to do.
I miss her.

Things I've done today:
-Took Occam to the vet.
-Hung out with Lucy, drove around tons, fell in love with this weather.
-Learned how to make a dollar bill into a tiny little paper t-shit.
-Contemplated buying a brass knuckle coffee mug.
-Let Sarah's dogs out.
-Started renting a drum set.

Things I didn't do today:
-Unpack.
-Clean.
-Hang out with Brittany.

I want to get drunk and go to the Jazz-fest tomorrow, but it's not going to happen. This saddens me.
 

I'm back to living at my parents' house. I'm exhausted. I'm pissed and I can't fucking smoke.
It's not that I don't have the money to live away, I just couldn't move in with Brittany, Zach and Dean. I've gotten over the initial anger of that situation, justifying it with the fact I guarantee it is going to be dirty and gross over there. I've moved on from living in filth and my next place will be spotless and organized. My mom's house is just that, perfect. It makes me feel incredibly lonely though. My kittens look great in this house, but I don't feel it yet.

I don't want to unpack, that means permanence. I wish there was a way to just get it over with.


I wish there was a way for me to smoke. It's killing me.

There is no comparison to the pure joy I get from seeing a Husky or listening to good music. I don't think anyone understands.
I only look forward to the day I am well-off and stable enough to be the proud owner of my Aesop. It is the only goal I am working towards at the moment, and it seems to be enough to get me wanting to be on my feet again.

One day...

Dude, it was one night. I didn't mean to. So please either decide if you are going to tell me you are there for me or passive-aggressively bitch me out for something I didn't even mean to do.

I have way to much other stuff to freak out about.

sorry.

I have to go to work soon. I'm not looking forward to it. I've already had an emotional day, and the stress that is about to flood me out is intimidating. I thought I was okay until my drum lessons today. I thought I was just tired. I only played a beat for maybe 5 minutes, the rest was spent Paul talking to me about my life. The further we got into that hour, the worse I felt (by no fault of him). I've been having a lot of trouble recently, and given the events of the past few days...it's not looking up anytime soon.
It's nice to know that others have been in my position and that they are willing to offer a hand and help me breathe. I'm sick of having to get people to sit down with me and make sure I do something. That's what it takes though, a forceful presence to make it all worth it.

Fuck.

I'm listing to Zebrahead. It's perfection.
Today has been one of the greatest days I've had in a very long time. To start it off, I got some coffee and a bagel, two things I love very very much. I go to french class, nothing special. But I love my drum lessons so freaking much. It's one of the few moments in my life where I feel like I'm actually someone and not just a number or some stupid kid. Paul is freaking awesome and I look forward to my lessons from the second I leave. I ended up skipping my piano class because I was talking to him outside while smoking a cigarette. I don't even care.
So we get out of Music Theory early and I head to my Mom's house. I get to stuff my face and watch some TV, two things I miss very much.
I head to work in a great mood, and actually stay in one of the best moods I've had in a long long long time. Marshall didn't end up working so we took our time closing and making sure everything was done right, but at a good pace so I didn't stress out. I got to close the entire fry station by myself (something I didn't think I could do, but ended up doing it without thinking). Big Kevin closed and he is by far my favorite manager. I got to joke around and actually be myself around people I seem to be getting somewhat of friends with.
Justin pulled me aside today as I came in and asked if I would come in on Sunday for a few hours to help out. As I was thinking, he turned to the manager in training and told her that I was their best dresser. I know that sounds retarded, but it means a shit load! Plus Paul today in my drum lesson hinted at the fact he's using me as motivation to write a drum book. I always struggle in that class but he helps me through and acts like the drill sergeant that I oh so badly need. I freaking love it.
Plus the big house party is saturday, so that's going to help keep my mood up.


I can't stop smiling and it feels fucking fantastic.

Pitty I know, but I can't help it.

I do this because I want to prove I'm not worth it.

I love this feeling.





I really fucking do.

I finally feel like I had a direction in my life, even though I failed at being independent. Choosing to ignore the fact I'm moving back home in less than a month, I really feel like things are looking up. I'm somewhat satisfied with my job, my car seems to be doing alright, it's been a while since I was hungry and couldn't do anything about it and I feel like I know who my closest friends are.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things to complain about, but I'm looking forward to figuring it all out.

I am something written on walls.
How I wish I wasn't here.
Come come come a new place.
Everyday is silent and gray. Hooray.
I need a place to live.
I need something new to see.


I'm obsessed with six word stories.

Here it comes.



I'm not ready.

I need to get today out.


To start it off, my mom called at 11 AM wanting me to take Hogan to the vet. He might have cancer. So I get out of bed, driver her car over to my parent's house and when I get there I realize I forgot the key to their house at my apartment. So I get back in the car to go get the key and realize I left my apartment key in my apartment. No one was down there. So I have to run downtown to get my dad's house key so I can get in. I do that, speed to their house and take Hogan to The Highlands. I drop him off and head back to my parents' to shower and get ready for work. By this time it's 1:00 and I have to be at work at 3:00. So I call Brittany to go get her key, she's in Middletown. So I speed over there and get lost in Panda's neighborhood. By the time I get the key and get back down to the apartment it's 2:15. I don't have time to shower so I throw on my shirt and hat and speed off. I'll have everyone know I had not eaten since 9 the night before. I make it out to The Summit by 2:25 and grab a bag of chips and a pack of cigarettes. I scarf down half the bag in under a minute then clock in for work. Fast forward until 9 when my managers realize I haven't had a break all day. I had been flipping buns and running around for an ungodly amount of time. About to pass out, I beg them to let me grab a cheeseburger and sit for a second. I do so, but only get two or three bites in before I realize since I hadn't eaten this burger was going to make me vomit. I olympic style smoke two cigs and run back into the kitchen.

I didn't get off until 11:45.

So I get home and realize Rocky took a massive fucking shit on a pile of my clothes. OH! One of the animals pissed on them too. I end up cleaning out Ayin and Occam's litter box and scraping shit off my pillow case in time to realize someone took my computer and put it in the living room.
On any other night this wouldn't have bothered me quite as much as it did (and it really bothers me) but this is just too much.

I still haven't showered. My body is throbbing and all I want is to finish my beer and pass the fuck out for the next week. BUT NO! I get to get up early and head to my parents' to help fix my car, seeing as how it is royally FUCKED from the flooding.

Then back to work at 3 on Sunday.

I'm going to lose my mind.

I feel as though today can only be summed up with these two pictures:



After the water went down a few feet.
And yeah, that's a floating pool table.



I need a whole new interior for my car, and our basement is fuckkked. Our washer is on top of our dryer
I woke up to Zack yelling "your car is under water!!!"

what a beautiful day.

I'm alone again. That last one didn't last so long.

You'd think I'd be used to it.

Birthday came again. I hate it. I only wanted a vacuum and time spent with my family. I got a dancing robot panda, an iTunes card and a air purifier. Not much family time. It's all good because I will get to see my friends soon! Lucy gets home Thursday. Britt leaves tomorrow and I leave today.
Warped tour is Tomorrow! Lizzy, Britte and I are going. This'll be my 3rd I think. This year so many good bands are playing! I'm really pumped.

I'm having doubts about my relationship. I really feel like he cares a lot more for me that I do for him. I have a small crush that only seems to come out when I'm drinking. That can't be good. I don't want to lead him on, but I feel as though that's what I'm doing. To be cliche, it's really not him... it's me.


Got a job at Five Guys Burgers and Frys. At least I don't have to work at Walmart now! yay!